Tag Archive for "queer" - Loraine Hutchins, Ph.D.

Posts Tagged ‘queer’

Discovering my bisexuality

The Invisible Bisexual is a contributor on my blog. She is a real person, sharing honest comments about her experiences as a closeted bisexual. ~Loraine Hutchins

The Invisible Bisexual

My sensual awakening happened long before I understood that there were strict rules attached to one’s apparent gender and discovered that a lot of creepy stigma was directed at “queers.”

Among my earliest memories are feelings of attraction to both boys and girls. Perhaps my innocence was lost too early? It happened when I was four during a game called “mommy and daddy” that was initiated by a couple of slightly older boys. They convinced their little sister, another girl and me to participate in this secret reenactment in a neighbor’s field where we were hidden by tall grass. Our activities were pretty harmless, but the powerful, sensuous charge our play evoked in me was a revelation. I recall feeling amazed that our bodies could create such pleasurable energy. But I was unaware of the acceptable practices of this adult activity.

I remained naive about most things until puberty arrived. When I was around 12-years-old, it occurred to me that I might be a lesbian because I “liked” girls as well as boys. If I was a lesbian, I reasoned, I’d have to give up the freedom of the larger world and live separately in the shadowy, maligned “queer” world away from boys and my family. People would call me queer and make fun of me. Just thinking of the stigma filled me with dread. If I was a lesbian my family and everyone else I knew would not like me.

When I confessed my fears to my mother I was crying hysterically, and she comforted me. She said, “Don’t worry, honey. You’re not a lesbian.” I wanted to believe her, but the nagging doubt stayed with me throughout my teen years. By the time I was around 18, I’d had enough experience with boys to sour me on them. I figured that this must mean I was a lesbian. So I decided to find out.

I continued my search for the mysterious lesbian world. I knew the truth was out there, and if a girl set her mind to it she could find it. I found the bars, the women and the truth. But it was not what I expected.

But where could I find any lesbians? A friend told me that her mother had once been involved with a lesbian and that lesbians hung out in certain bars. So the first thing I decided was to get myself some fake ID. This was easy enough for an enterprising and determined girl. With a birth certificate proving that I was 21, I got a very convincing driver’s license with my picture on it. Drag shows were easy enough to find in my big city hometown. They were entertaining and, as it turned out, a good place to find out where the lesbian bars were located.

After a year of dating lesbians, I was really bummed out. The women I’d met seemed no different than the men I’d known. They even dressed and acted like men. Most of them willingly took advantage of my inexperience for their own pleasure with no concern about my enjoyment. To my horror, I realized that I disliked women as much as I disliked and resented men! How could this be? I had to choose, right?

How could I spend my life alone and loveless? What kind of person does that? Good thing my panic didn’t last long. An epiphany illuminated my quandary. It wasn’t one or the other. Nor was it none of the above. My orientation was to both men and women. I really don’t know how the concept of bisexuality entered my consciousness. But I remember how relieved I felt when it did. “Oh that’s what it is,” I thought, laughing and shaking my head. I didn’t have to choose. I was so happy. One of my life’s big dilemmas resolved.

Of course, I didn’t know about the stigma that I was going to face as a bisexual from both the “straight” and “gay” worlds. It didn’t take long to find out. I soon learned it was easier to pass as straight and stepped inside the bisexual closet. But that’s another story—many other stories.

Posted on November 16th, 2014 by The Invisible Bisexual

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BECAUSE Brings Bisexuals Together

Surround me with a few hundred bisexuals for a whole weekend, and I relax like I haven’t in a long time, feeling empowered and supported. Even after all these years as an out bisexual, being with so many bi comrades who understand our unique challenges and care about our community is still a rare experience. But if Keynoter ABilly Jones-Hennin hadn’t launched a full-on campaign to convince me to go with him, I would have missed out on this inspiring gathering of my peers.

ABilly Jones-Hennin and Dr. Loraine Hutchins taking a break at BECAUSE in Minneapolis. (June 2014)

The last time I attended BECAUSE (Bisexual Empowerment Conference: A Uniting, Supportive Experience) was soon after the 1991 publication of “Bi Any Other Name: Bisexual People Speak Out,” the bi anthology Lani Ka’ahumanu and I co-edited, which includes ABilly’s coming out story. The love, respect and understanding I received at BECAUSE, both then and this year, were profoundly encouraging. The stigma that’s all too often projected onto bisexuals takes a disheartening toll. This is all the more reason why the Bisexual Organizing Project’s annual gathering is such a treasure.

BECAUSE 2014 was held on June 6-9, at the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis. The conference featured presentations on media representations of bisexuality; health care; the state of the bi movement, intersecting identities; bi visibility; sexual violence; aging; bi arts and literature; and the publishing industry. There were workshops, panels, plenary sessions, a theater performance, various social activities, even a bi items gift shop. I met young filmmakers, playwrights, bloggers, rappers, student activists, elder caregivers, parents, teachers, scientists, artists, secretaries, and cashiers—all kinds of bi and bi-friendly human beings.

ABilly is among the elder vanguard of the LGBT movement in the United States, and he had much wisdom to share in his keynote address. He is someone who can organize a bathroom line at a crowded movie theater, a line of non-violent resisters at a demonstration, or a rope line at the White House with equal aplomb. Originally from Antigua, West Indies, this month he will celebrate a 36-year, same-gender-loving relationship with his bi partner, Christopher Hennin.

Among his many accomplishments, my longtime friend co-founded Gay Married Men (GAMMA), the National Coalition of Black Lesbians and Gays (NCBLG), and several other gay and human service organizations. In the late 70s, he helped mobilize the first national March on Washington for Gay and Lesbian Rights, convened the first conference of Third World Lesbians and Gays at Howard University, and led the first African-American gay delegation to the White House. His recent essay about himself and his father will be published this fall in “RECOGNIZE,” a new anthology on bi men.

ABilly flashback

The merry twinkle in ABilly’s eyes first caught my attention at the Washington DC Runaway House when he walked into our tiny basement office in Dupont Circle to interview for a youth counselor position in the mid-70s. His experience as a devoted father and a compassionate human rights activist were just what our young clients needed. He eventually became director of the program. Since that time, we’ve been serving our communities and instigating political action together for almost 40 years, inspiring and mentoring each other along the way.

This year, I was honored to introduce ABilly to the conference attendees, most of whom were meeting him for the first time. Who better to epitomize BECAUSE values? This 72-year-old great granddad exemplifies loyalty and caring, inspiring many by his brave and steadfast love for his partner and their blended, inter-connected family. He’s a quietly persistent instigator who sticks up for seniors, homeless people, prisoners, refugees and workers. ABilly’s big arms embrace us all. He makes everyone feel like family. Just because.